WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
