I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
