I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
