I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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