OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just pee around me
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
