Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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