I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
