I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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