you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
