My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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