You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize