Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
