Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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