I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
