Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
