Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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