6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
