the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
