I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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