in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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