nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
