things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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