can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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