As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
