if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
