you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
