and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Houston, we have a blender
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
third nipple confirmed
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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