we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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