Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
