I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
