i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize