my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
