he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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