my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
