then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
