Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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