When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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