there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize