I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
