i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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