She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
