i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
