Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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