So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
