1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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