life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
