I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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