sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
