She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
