your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
