the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
