I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
