it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
