i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
