Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hippo gnu deer
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
