Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
