Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
